Memories and the Art of Rewriting the Past.

I have been think about memory a lot recently.

I got goosebumps and might have even teared up a little the first time I saw Memory performed live (if my memory serves me correctly).  But this is not the memory I am referring to, although the lyrics are relevant to my musings.

I have been noticing the very human tendency to re-write the past giving ourselves a more golden glow.  I see this tendency at work in other people, and have talked to people who have also witnessed this tendency in others.  This brings me to wonder how much I embody this foible.

What I find perplexing, and perhaps a little disheartening, is that the very act of reminiscing may change our memories.  On a neuronal level, accessing a memory pathway seems to have the potential to change that pathway, effectively re-writing our memories.  Which perhaps explains the mechanism behind why people often really believe their version of the past, even when confronted with evidence to the contrary.

I first read about this neuronal re-writing of memories in The Brain That Changes Itself - a book that I would highly recommend to anyone.  But if you want a quick peek at this idea you could check out this article on Smithsonian.com: How Our Brains Make Memories.*  The researcher behind this article (Nadar) thinks "it may be impossible for humans or any other animal to bring a memory to mind without altering it in some way."  I really hope that he is not correct about this.  We rely on our memories so much.  I think that our view of our self and our place in our community/society largely hangs on our memories and the emotional and narrative meaning we attach to them.  If our memories are unreliable then how can we be certain about anything meaningful?

From a psychological perspective I think that we sometimes use this "coping strategy" to cushion ourselves from regrets.  But do we then reduce our chances of learning from the past? Without learning from the past how can our future selves grow into a more developed and mature version of our self?

I recently read "The Sense of an Ending" by Julian Barnes for book club.  I found the themes of the book very interesting.  I liked the way Barnes dealt with the unreliability of memories and examined how our version of the past may not be as accurate as we like to believe.  He examined the idea of corroboration of memories.  

As we move through time how can we look back to our past and recall events with any accuracy or objectivity?  Maybe we can't.  But maybe, with corroboration from others who were there, and even from our own writing at the time, we can discover truths about our selves and our history.  The big question though still remains: even with accurate reminiscing can we use the information to change those parts of ourselves that it would be beneficial to change.

I have been thinking about what steps we can take to minimize the corruption of our memories and preserve a truthful recollection of our past. 

Reading the book has lead me to want to journal more regularly so that I will have more of my own "in the moment" reflections to look back on in years to come.  I understand that my record of my thoughts, behavior and interaction right now will already be skewed and by no means objective.  But, being contemporaneous, any records I make now will surely be more reliable than my future memories of this present time.  

I will also be interested in corroboration from your memories and records of the past - so please try to lay down some accurate memories.

But then again, why would I want accurate memories?  Left to the natural effects of time and reminiscing, perhaps in the future I will remember my current self as much more witty, intelligent, beautiful, caring and happy than I really am.  Maybe that will be more comforting as I slump in my nursing home arm chair dribbling than remembering myself with more accuracy.  Is it that what happened to Griselda?  Is her memory of her youthful self is more glamorous than warranted?

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again 

* The article includes a description of an experiment to test memory in rats that included administering electric shocks to the rats so I do not recommend reading past the first page of the article if you will find this distressing.

Undermining my Teetotalism

I am not much of a drinker and it is pretty rare for me to have a drink at home.  However, for the last couple of nights I have been kicking back with a relaxing gin and tonic.

I grew up in a tea-totaling church.  This branch of the church (Assemblies of God if you're interested) gradually came to accept a bit of "sensible" imbibing over the years.  And so I got to graduate from Lemon, Lime and Bitters, to occasionally having something a little more potent.

I have spent a lot of my 4th decade unraveling the knots I acquired in this environment but I still have not acquired the knack of drinking very much.

I have found it interesting to observe how others relate to alcohol after deconverting from the same, or similar, religious upbringings.  Some continue to avoid it: "I have lived perfectly well for this long without drinking why start now?"  Others suddenly embrace alcohol, and by embrace I mean at every possibly opportunity as they try to rapidly make up for missing out on teenage hangovers and embarrassing lapses of dignity at parties.

I have tended more towards the conservative side.  Partly because I have a voracious sweet tooth and most alcohol still tastes crappy to me (though I don't leave your bottle of butterscotch schnapps lying around).  But probably it is mostly because I am a control freak and the thought of being drunk is scary.

I watched Paul last night (while nibbling on dips and bread and sipping my G&T) and had a good laugh.  I loved Kristin Wiigs character who undergoes an instantaneous deconversion.  She makes it look so simple.  All you need to do is find an accommodating alien to lay hands on you and impart his knowledge and experiences.

Below is a little promo youtube thingy.  I have included it here because it shows some of her post-deconversion antics.  It is a pretty predictable movie so I don't think it will spoil it too much if you have not already seen it.

I love the character's reaction to her suddenly altered world view and new found freedom.  Pretty different to how I have reacted.   There is a lot for me to think about right there.

Matt Cutts: Try something new for 30 days

Over the last few days I have been umming and ahhing about whether to commit to 30 Day Blog September.   If you don't know what I am referring to then check Good Reason Blog.

There will always be excuses for taking on any challenge in life and I was manufacturing a few for myself.  Then I stumbled across this neat TED talk by Matt Cutts (never heard of him before either?) and realised I had nothing to lose.  Except of course pride if I didn't complete it - but I will complete it!  So win-win!!

Here are some examples he gave of 30 day challenges.

The interesting thing for me is that it was a 30 day challenge that gave me the inspiration to kick off this blog.  It all started with November 2008: Supermarket Free Zone.  Then there was December 2009: Non-fiction read-a-thon.  Followed by January 2009: Regular Exercise and February 2009: Consumer Detox, which I actually carried on past the end of the short month for the next 18 months.

I guess my vegan apprenticeship is a kind of challenge but it is bigger deal than a monthly challenge for me.  Though I think a vegan 30 day challenge would be a pretty cool experiment for those who have never tried it.  Or, for those a little less keen, maybe a "Vegan day once a week for a month", or even a "Vegan dinner one day a week for a month" would be a great challenge to set yourself! 

I really enjoyed setting myself those challenges and the motivation it gave me to do something different.  Unfortunately I did not get around to setting myself any more monthly challenges after those first four months.  So here is just the push I needed to get started again.  Not saying I will set a challenge every month (2012: monthly challenge every month year???) but I am going to do it more regularly than I have for the last couple of years.

Cutts says that when he started setting himself monthly challenges "instead of the months flying by, forgotten, the time was much more memorable."  That sounds good to me! 

Decision Fatigue - A Pervasive Malaise

Have you ever looked back on a decision and wondered: "What on earth was I thinking?"  I certainly have.

My husband came across a very interesting article this week in The New York Times Magazine which might help explain some of these lapses in judgement:  Do you suffer from decision fatigue?

Image from the NYT Magazine

I found it very interesting and it is well worth a read.  I plan to keep this in mind when in situations that demand decisions.  Hopefully it will result in less retrospectascope regret.

It reminds me how important it is to take a 5 minute break and have a snack at work.  I now have a name for that sluggish, frustrated feeling I can get mid afternoon on a busy day!  I will tell the receptionists at work: "No more squeeze-ins please.  I am suffering from decision fatigue."

I learned early on in my career that it is good medical practice for me to keep a piece of fruit, muesli bar or sandwich handy (or even chocolate!).  But I sometimes feel guilty snatching a quick cup of tea between patients.   This article reminds me how important this really is.  Keeping a patient waiting for another 5 minutes may inconvenience them.  But trying to provide a consultation when suffering from decision fatigue will result in me not being able to give that person a good quality consultation and may result in much more than inconvenience.

Next time you are faced with a situation where you are required to make a lot of decisions - beware decision fatigue!  Allow yourself to take a break, fix your blood glucose levels if necessary, and avoid making a decision you will later regret.

Success.

Someone asked me today, "What do you do?"
This must be one of the most commonly asked questions between new acquaintances.

(No, I didn't draw it, wish I did. The artist is Bill Burg)

I am sure that sometimes the question is asked with genuine interest. But how often is it asked so that we can put each other into recognizable stereotypes.

Don't know about you, but I feel like there is more to me than my job. So next time I am in that "Nice to meet you" phase of a conversation I am going to try not to perpetuate this annoying habit we seem to have collectively developed, and talk about something else instead.
:)

In search of understanding.

I have been involved in a few interesting and unexpected discussions recently.

I have been affected by 2 in particular.
:: One with a person who was previously only a "work mate" but I was pleased to find was more of a "kindred spirit" (to steal a term from Anne of Green Gables) than I had imagined.
:: And one that I am still processing.

Reminds me again that listening is often better than talking. I wish that I was better at listening, understanding, internalising and processing on the spot. I also wish I was less prone to assuming, in tense/difficult situations, that I might have anything helpful to say. In some situations I wonder if there is anything at all to be said that can be helpful.

I know that it is important to be open in order to build relationships, but retrospectively feeling that you have shared too much of yourself is an unpleasant experience that I don't wish to repeat too often (if ever).

Nice to know that there are kindred spirits out there. We all need to feel understood sometimes.